Yes, these two experiences were sexual abuse, were sorry this happened. If theres any advice to be given, Im open to listening. Anyway he started saying we should play a game. And if you live in UK, know that there are free helplines you can call when you feel really alone. On two different occasions we were kissing, he laid me down and got on top of me, stroking me, and I would panic or just freeze. So touching a child is a serious offence. All that aside, sounds like the upset in your home life hit you hard. Hi there, recently I allowed myself to think about the possibility that I was abused in some way as a young child of maybe 6 or 7. The mind can do that when we have had a lot of stress, anxiety, and trauma. For e.g. But I have dreams of this person hurting me sexually and my feelings towards this person are hateful and he makes me feel unconterbel. 1 / 12. But my fathers wife disliked me and always tormented me and treated me as if she didnt want me there. Other than that, I really dont remember much of any years before, really. Ive been very sexual though since as long as I can remember but as far back as that memory goes, I dont remember anyone doing anything to me. Then what? his is in his late 40s i couldnt walk after he rape me so i blame my mom for not taking notice of the way i work. There are other things. To feel shame and guilt even when you did nothing wrong. The more important question is, now do you feel about it now, as an adult? The mind will spend hours making up stories or possibilities, some might be true, some not. 1. But it is not right for an adult to pull a child into sexual activity. Shame about sex (society instills it, regardless of parenting), dreams about sexual encounters with parents. I now struggle with self harm, suicidal thoughts, alcohol abuse (Im quite drunk while writing this, thats probably why Im writing this in the first place) and hypersexuality. I masturbate every now and again, but I feel guilty and dirty afterwards. I mean, could I even call it being molested? I have been talking to a therapist and seeing a doctor to try and get a handle on my panic attacks and anxiety. While trying to figure out what did or didnt happen can be maddening, and who wouldnt like to be able to just know for sure the truth is that surprisingly high numbers of us just never know. I dont want her to feel guilty or bad for me when I dont even know if anything happened. Which are also the same symptoms of all other forms of trauma too, so its not a good idea to accuse others if we are not sure. Its strange to find myself looking this up on the internet but the last couple of years Ive been giving more and more thoughts about myself as a person, Ive always felt distanced from others but cant put my finger on what caused me to be like this. My Dad was arrested when I was almost 7 for inciting child abuse, although he did not abuse children himself. Does what she did count as sexual abuse? My aunts and uncles know what he was doing but none of them thought anything of it. Im really confused because she wasnt older than me we were around the same age and were both female I dont know if that means its not part of the category I dont know. A little more than a year ago, when I was 16, I started having dreams that there was someone on top of me, someone in my bed, or someone choking me. We get caught up in cycles of self hatred. Im straight male, and have always suppressed the memories of what I did to the babysitter and the neighbor and felt disgusted with myself. But Ive realized that I have a strange curiosity about abuse and part of me feels like I may have been abused at some point around about age 9. And someone else talking about trauma would trigger your fight/flight stress response, complete with lots of fear, it doesnt necessarily mean you shared the same experience as your friend, just that your body is wired to panic when it hears of trauma. As for shouldnt feel bad about it, there are no shoulds. Again, this was across 6+ therapists, all of whom said they worked with childhood trauma. If you are lucky enough to be in one of the areas that now provides it you can even now self refer so you can skip talking to your GP. We become the adults we are because of a strange collision of the personality we are born with and our unique reactions to the experiences and traumas we faced. I feel very uncomfortable approaching her about it. The signs that signify abuse are also the same signs that arise from all other forms of trauma, so it might be you were abused. Im also dealing with depression and I am trying to figure out who I am. I dont really remember much to 5-10. I have an unhealthy relationship with food and are on the borders of full-blown bulimia. We do not provide consumer reports and are not a consumer reporting agency. And if you talk to someone on a help line or to a counsellor they wont at all find any of it weird. You need real support. In fact if you go to the Childline site you can even use their webchat if that is more comfortable for you. We understand you feel shame. My niece came to me when she was around 5 years old. My stomach gets in knots like now just talking about it. Since then ive tried to forgive and give him another chance. I remember my grandparents moving me around, positioning me with my legs spread while I was out of it. Wed suggest that if you arent already in therapy you seek counselling and start talking about what is upsetting you and see what comes up in the safe space of a therapy room. Because we cant change what happened but we can change our future by taking care of our symptoms and ourselves. We hope you find the support you need, and that you take yourself seriously, you deserve to feel better! Ive been wondering about this since ive had multiple of the symptoms that are listed above.